Falling & Finding.

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Falling out of element feels like you are laying in the bottom of a old, concrete pit. The pit is significantly deep , dark and cold. That’s what falling feels like. While you are waiting on a familiar face to lean their head into the pit , they just walk past it. Some may dip their head every now and then, but it’s so dark , they are afraid to become a part of the problem.

There’s really no sense of direction , you want to get up , but you can’t get out so what is the point. Until you look over and discover a rope. That rope is your inner self , giving you the option to climb out of that pit. That rope is your inner light shining through all of the darkness you have endured. That rope just may save you from more dark, and cold nights. That rope is God giving you the better that you deserve.

Sometimes we fall in pits and have not a single clue on how to get out.

Maybe you just haven’t looked around enough to find your rope. Stop laying in the pit , get up , walk around until you discover your rope to get you out.12717254_10207620503244144_2239319117469706884_n

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Painful Delivery, Peaceful Death.

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Dedicating this to my husband who is my rock, Kingston who is my laughter, Charlee who is my diva, Chris Jr & Carter who were our little soldiers….I will forever fight for all of you.

 

 

 

How is it so easy that we go from joy to pain within seconds, leaving our hearts second guessing….

 

I went from fantasizing about holding my precious twin boys to now grieving my precious angels.

Isn’t it odd how we just never expect bad things to happen to us, even though it can? But of course nothing bad can happen to me, or my family right?  Some stuff is exceptional but no, not death, not our children? Right? But we are so wrong.

These past couple of weeks have been… too much. Too much for me , too much for my husband , just too much. I remember it like it was yesterday,  my pregnant self was laying next to my husband Chris and we were taking a nap. My son woke me up, and I felt weird. My bottom was wet. Did I pee on myself ? No , definitely wasn’t pee. I ran to the bathroom and instantly saw blood and I freaked out. Miscarriage was all I was thinking about. I was crying hysterically to my husband and begging God for it not to be a miscarriage.

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We were ready to expand our family. Kingston is 4 , Charlee is almost 7 months. We were ready to expand our wild pack.  Chris wanted to add a boy,  so out of love and hard thinking , I agreed to give it a shot. We love our kids, we wanted more.

The night I bled, I went to the ER. All of the nurses were giving me looks , looks that made me nervous. Me and Chris prayed to God , basically asking Him to protect our baby. “Let’s get you an ultra sound,” she said. I remember laying on that hard bed, and thinking about my baby. I asked her what was wrong , she wouldn’t tell me, but she decided to show me. Two heads were floating in my belly.

Oh my goodness. Two babies ?? Twins?? No. Wait , really? My mind was all over the place. I was anxiously waiting on Chris to come to the room and when he came in , he sat down while I changed. He asked me , “Baby is everything okay?” I said “Everything is fine , we are having twins!” He laughed , he smiled, he was happy.

I was nervous at first. I was unsure, but just being a stay at home mom and loving my kids, I was beginning to get excited for my babies.

Some days passed, I finally got an appointment with a doctor. I was far along enough to get an ultrasound.

 

“AND THEY ARE BOTH BOYS!!”

That was the happiest day of our lives , I was even happier for Chris because boys is what he really wanted.  We were telling everyone. I went from a scare to a happy mom. I was ready to hold my boys and introduce them to their siblings. We were so ready.

 

Weeks went by, and I was having these moments where I felt like I was peeing on myself again. “Oh,it’s just the babies on my bladder,” I thought. Until one night…. I couldn’t stop leaking, at 16 weeks this wasn’t good.

I told Chris , “This is unusual, it almost feels like my water is breaking,”

We went to the ER, they did absolutely nothing for me, I got upset and walked out.

The next morning I called my doctor and they told me to come in. “Let’s get you an ultrasound,” the nurse said.

I got up on the bed and she didn’t look to confident. She called in another nurse , the other nurse called in the doctor.

“Looks like your water has broken with one of your twins, Baby A and then you have Baby B.” I hated those names.

The doctor called me into her room and quietly shut the door. “We may have to deliver you early, the baby is having a membrane rupture,” …..I started crying, and she says “I’m sorry , I know this is hard, but there’s a chance you will have to deliver both babies in a situation like this, you will have to be admitted to the hospital and talk with a high risk doctor.

What the hell is wrong? Why? What?

My mind was blown.

That’s when my life changed.

I got admitted, I talked with doctors, I was on bed rest. I was at high risk of getting an infection. I was at high risk of dying. I was at a high risk of losing my twins,  I could TRY to save one but the chances of him surviving were low.

My husband was exhausted. I was exhausted. We just wanted our boys to come home , they were supposed to come home. Days felt like months in the hospital. I was starting to accept the fact that there was a chance God was going to take just my boys or all of us. My relationship with Chris got closer, he was my support. I was nervous and he was too.

The night before, They told me my babies were going to come out due to the medicine I took. No pushing , they were just going to come on out.

That morning at 4:30 a.m., Chris was in a deep sleep , and I was soaking wet. The time was coming and I wasn’t ready. I told Chris to wake up, to get the nurses because it was time.

I kept telling Chris , “Our boys are going to live and prove everyone wrong just watch,”

I was in denial. I wasnt ready to say goodbye. I was ready to buy matching outfits. I was ready to brag on my boys along with my two others. I was ready to watch them grow witb their siblings. I was more ready for them to be here , and not ready for them to leave.

On the morning of September 22, 2016, Chris Jr came out around 5:45 a.m. and Carter came around 5:55 a.m.

They were so perfect. Chris Jr looked just like Chris and Carter looked like me. They were so precious. So tiny. So peaceful. We held them. We cried. We held them again . We cried, and we kissed them. They knew who we were. They knew our voices. They knew we loved them. They were so precious all the way down to their fingernails. Our boys were handsome.

 

God took our angels , we weren’t ready. Still not understanding why but not trying to question God.

My faith was broken but built at the same time, I know it doesn’t make sense , my life doesn’t make sense right now.

I do know that I loved those boys. And forever will. We were ready for them. We watched our boys die , and it was the hardest thing I could ever watch.

 

Mommy and Daddy loved you guys. And we will never stop lovin you, ever.

The pain isnt even about them being gone , it’s more about them not being able to grow here with us and their siblings.

Where do we go from here? Only God knows. And that’s all I’m Going to trust , is that God leads us into a better place mentally. Sometimes in life, we fall hard but I might have fell hard but I’m going to try even harder at chasing my dreams for my children. The fight didn’t end for us , it just started.

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Rest in peace Chris Jr and Carter.

Wake Up

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You see, your education is at risk when you start thinking “I don’t need this shi*,”

Quick to quit a job because your attitude is  outrageous , then you want to blame the manager because he is caucasion,

Young , brown stallions are guaranteed a distraction, youve been so distracted that youre still lost when it comes to fractions.

It’s heartbreaking to see what you have become , another statistic , one they consider dumb

But you aren’t dumb, just made dumb mistakes, thats when you shift your life and you work towards becoming great.

So great that you beat the odds, you don’t become a statistic , you once said you didn’t need this sh*, but look at you now , you grinding hard for this sh*

Stretch Marks & Social Media

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images-23First let me just say this , to hell with those perfect belly pictures that constantly flood my time lines every day. I have to remind myself a lot of times , photo shop can fix just about anything these days.

Drinking water , eating healthy , yeah yeah yeah…My kids owe me surgery later in life.

Moms, we rock. We cook, we clean , we multitask, we nurture, we are killing it. Sorry Dads, this article isn’t about you, just kiss and tell the mother of your kids she is amazing..

 

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Social Media has brainwashed us into thinking we are fat, sloppy and not attractive.

No just no. There has been many mornings when I looked at my body like “Ew what happened to you?” & I know I am not the only one.

So , I decided to start back working out, getting my hair done, and just gaining that confidence back.

You see, us moms drown ourselves in guilt all the time. We didn’t do this, we didn’t do that. But what did we do for ourselves lately? Get out of your miserable mindframe and get your sexy back.

Whoever said moms have to look sloppy, lied. Let’s stop comparing ourselves to photoshopped women and be realistic.

You may have a flabby stomach , so what , get up and workout.

You may can’t get your hair done, so what, attempt brushing it into a neat bun.

You don’t have to be glamorous but you should want to look good. You pushed out beautiful  babies , you deserve to look good .

 

Will You Lay Down With Me?

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I don’t know how I get so busy sometimes, but I do. I am a wife, a mother, a writer, a mentor, college student ….It makes my head hurt to even think about all of it.

The other night, my son Kingston asked if I could lay down with him. He sounded so innocent and so sincere. He was tired, it was bed time and he just wanted me to lay down with him while he slept. He just wanted some time with mommy. And I honestly just wanted to lay down with him and fall asleep, because I too wanted some time with him.

 

Kind of like when God keeps trying to get our attention. We get so busy that we miss out on the quality time we could actually have with Him. God calls our name over and over but we choose to “talk to Him another day,” Or “I  will just pray tomorrow when I have time.”.

That’s not how it should be though. It should be more conversations. More quality time.  More relationship , less neglect..

It’s important that we get to Him even on days we are considered busy

Besides,  He is never busy when it comes to blessing us. Just what if God put us on hold like we do with Him?

We need to put aside our life activities and find time for Him & not just when we need something.

 

 

 

Fighting Can Turn Into Faith.

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I fall short all the time. I am not a perfect Christian whatsoever. But I love God wholeheartedly and I intend to keep loving Him so my imperfect behavior will continue to get better with time.
I do believe God wants me to reach out to the imperfect non believers who feel as if they need to be perfect to get to Him.
Little do they know, God doesn’t need perfect , He just needs your time and attention.
Ever since I was a child, I was drawn to people who didn’t have it together. I always wanted to help them get it together. Why does God put all of this on my heart? I don’t know but I love it.
I love it so much that it can bring tears sometimes. I am so passionate about my God because I know what He can do.
I know what He is capable of.
To the girl who doesn’t feel strong enough to leave her abusive relationship, I can feel you crying. Give God the problem.
To the addict who is wrapped up in drugs because those drugs are comforting , I know someone who will comfort you even better. Give God the problem.
To the mother who lost a child to the streets, God wants you to come home so He won’t lose you. Give God the problem.
To the young mother who just had an abortion, you don’t have to be afraid anymore. Give God the problem.
To anyone who believes they have to be perfect, you don’t.
God allows us to come before Him with ALL of our frustration,  overwhelming problems. That mess that you find yourself standing in, you don’t have to stand in it alone. God will wash the mess away and bless you with a new look.
A look of forgiveness,  peace , and happiness.
Go give those problems away  and stop fighting them by yourself.image

Suicide Is Real.

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If you have honestly never been suicidal, then you won’t get it, and you probably never will. People tend to think suicide is so dramatic, or so uneccessary.

How dare you talk down on a subject that kills and destroys millions of people every single day ?

You hear things like, “you should talk about your problems,” but a lot of times when someone tries to talk about their problems, their problems end up being “over exaggerated.” Who wants to keep searching for help when their help just tells them “to get over it,” Or a famous one, “You are just an attention seeker.”

I have been suicidal, not once, not twice but PLENTY of times. Do you think its fun to wake up , tired of life, just not wanting to live anymore? There are people out here dying on the inside, and if that is attention seeking, then please let me be the one to give them attention.

When will society realize that suicide is  not a joke, and even if a person is attention seeking, I would rather save them instead of letting them really kill themselves.

Depression, anxiety,  and having a suicidal mentality is nothing to put on the back burner.

All it takes is a listening ear, a conversation full of compassion , and a loving spirit ….and you just may save a life.

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Lets stop ignoring this issue and start bringing more attention to it.

No human deserves to feel alone through such a difficult time.