Dedicating this to my husband who is my rock, Kingston who is my laughter, Charlee who is my diva, Chris Jr & Carter who were our little soldiers….I will forever fight for all of you.
How is it so easy that we go from joy to pain within seconds, leaving our hearts second guessing….
I went from fantasizing about holding my precious twin boys to now grieving my precious angels.
Isn’t it odd how we just never expect bad things to happen to us, even though it can? But of course nothing bad can happen to me, or my family right? Some stuff is exceptional but no, not death, not our children? Right? But we are so wrong.
These past couple of weeks have been… too much. Too much for me , too much for my husband , just too much. I remember it like it was yesterday, my pregnant self was laying next to my husband Chris and we were taking a nap. My son woke me up, and I felt weird. My bottom was wet. Did I pee on myself ? No , definitely wasn’t pee. I ran to the bathroom and instantly saw blood and I freaked out. Miscarriage was all I was thinking about. I was crying hysterically to my husband and begging God for it not to be a miscarriage.
We were ready to expand our family. Kingston is 4 , Charlee is almost 7 months. We were ready to expand our wild pack. Chris wanted to add a boy, so out of love and hard thinking , I agreed to give it a shot. We love our kids, we wanted more.
The night I bled, I went to the ER. All of the nurses were giving me looks , looks that made me nervous. Me and Chris prayed to God , basically asking Him to protect our baby. “Let’s get you an ultra sound,” she said. I remember laying on that hard bed, and thinking about my baby. I asked her what was wrong , she wouldn’t tell me, but she decided to show me. Two heads were floating in my belly.
Oh my goodness. Two babies ?? Twins?? No. Wait , really? My mind was all over the place. I was anxiously waiting on Chris to come to the room and when he came in , he sat down while I changed. He asked me , “Baby is everything okay?” I said “Everything is fine , we are having twins!” He laughed , he smiled, he was happy.
I was nervous at first. I was unsure, but just being a stay at home mom and loving my kids, I was beginning to get excited for my babies.
Some days passed, I finally got an appointment with a doctor. I was far along enough to get an ultrasound.
“AND THEY ARE BOTH BOYS!!”
That was the happiest day of our lives , I was even happier for Chris because boys is what he really wanted. We were telling everyone. I went from a scare to a happy mom. I was ready to hold my boys and introduce them to their siblings. We were so ready.
Weeks went by, and I was having these moments where I felt like I was peeing on myself again. “Oh,it’s just the babies on my bladder,” I thought. Until one night…. I couldn’t stop leaking, at 16 weeks this wasn’t good.
I told Chris , “This is unusual, it almost feels like my water is breaking,”
We went to the ER, they did absolutely nothing for me, I got upset and walked out.
The next morning I called my doctor and they told me to come in. “Let’s get you an ultrasound,” the nurse said.
I got up on the bed and she didn’t look to confident. She called in another nurse , the other nurse called in the doctor.
“Looks like your water has broken with one of your twins, Baby A and then you have Baby B.” I hated those names.
The doctor called me into her room and quietly shut the door. “We may have to deliver you early, the baby is having a membrane rupture,” …..I started crying, and she says “I’m sorry , I know this is hard, but there’s a chance you will have to deliver both babies in a situation like this, you will have to be admitted to the hospital and talk with a high risk doctor.
What the hell is wrong? Why? What?
My mind was blown.
That’s when my life changed.
I got admitted, I talked with doctors, I was on bed rest. I was at high risk of getting an infection. I was at high risk of dying. I was at a high risk of losing my twins, I could TRY to save one but the chances of him surviving were low.
My husband was exhausted. I was exhausted. We just wanted our boys to come home , they were supposed to come home. Days felt like months in the hospital. I was starting to accept the fact that there was a chance God was going to take just my boys or all of us. My relationship with Chris got closer, he was my support. I was nervous and he was too.
The night before, They told me my babies were going to come out due to the medicine I took. No pushing , they were just going to come on out.
That morning at 4:30 a.m., Chris was in a deep sleep , and I was soaking wet. The time was coming and I wasn’t ready. I told Chris to wake up, to get the nurses because it was time.
I kept telling Chris , “Our boys are going to live and prove everyone wrong just watch,”
I was in denial. I wasnt ready to say goodbye. I was ready to buy matching outfits. I was ready to brag on my boys along with my two others. I was ready to watch them grow witb their siblings. I was more ready for them to be here , and not ready for them to leave.
On the morning of September 22, 2016, Chris Jr came out around 5:45 a.m. and Carter came around 5:55 a.m.
They were so perfect. Chris Jr looked just like Chris and Carter looked like me. They were so precious. So tiny. So peaceful. We held them. We cried. We held them again . We cried, and we kissed them. They knew who we were. They knew our voices. They knew we loved them. They were so precious all the way down to their fingernails. Our boys were handsome.
God took our angels , we weren’t ready. Still not understanding why but not trying to question God.
My faith was broken but built at the same time, I know it doesn’t make sense , my life doesn’t make sense right now.
I do know that I loved those boys. And forever will. We were ready for them. We watched our boys die , and it was the hardest thing I could ever watch.
Mommy and Daddy loved you guys. And we will never stop lovin you, ever.
The pain isnt even about them being gone , it’s more about them not being able to grow here with us and their siblings.
Where do we go from here? Only God knows. And that’s all I’m Going to trust , is that God leads us into a better place mentally. Sometimes in life, we fall hard but I might have fell hard but I’m going to try even harder at chasing my dreams for my children. The fight didn’t end for us , it just started.
Rest in peace Chris Jr and Carter.